on a burst of emotions
i can't explain this feeling that i got right now. I wanna laugh and cry at the same time. It's so confusing, got to get this out of my system.
Putik talaga! Bakit may mga bagay na gusto mo gawin na di mo magawa? bakit kung alin pa yung pinaka ayaw mo gawin, un ang napupunta sayo? Bakit may mga gusto mong mangyari na di mangyari, bakit may mga hinihintay ka pero di mo alam kung kelan darating?
Bakit ganon? bakit ba hindi mangyari ang gusto kong mangyari? Bakit ba andito ako sa lugar na kinalalagyan ko ngayon, bakit gusto ko nang umalis?Ewan.
*sigh*
Alam mo mahal kita pero di ko alam kung bakit lagi pa rin kitang sinusubukan. Bakit minsan dinidisappoint kita at ginagawang paranoid, bakit pinag iisip kita ng kung anu ano, siguro nga dahil tinitingnan ko kung hanggang saan ang tiwala mo sakin. Na deep inside wala naman talaga akong itinatago sayo pero minsan pinalalabas ko na meron, para lang mapaisip ka, para lang makita ko kung gaano mo ko kamahal, kung hanggang saan ang pasyensya mo. Dahil alam mo, dahil ipagkakatiwala ko sayo ang buhay ko, kaya ngayon pa lang gusto ko ng makita kung sino ka ba talaga. Pero isa lang ang maliwanag sakin at isa lang ang gusto kong malaman mo: IKAW LANG ANG MAHAL AT MAMAHALIN KO. ang corny ko na, ngayon lang ako naging corny, ngayon ko lang nalaman kung paano iexpress ng walang takot ang nararamdaman ko, simula ng nakilala kita. Putik, ayoko minsan ipakita kung gaano kalaki ang pagmamahal ko sayo, dahil alam kong sa loob ng isang linggo saglit lang tayong nagkakasama, minsan pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko dahil maya maya lang, aalis na naman ako, sa isang araw na lang ulit kita makikita. Di mo lang alam kung gaano kita hinahanap pag wala ka dito sa tabi ko. Tapos iiyak na naman ako dahil sa sobrang pagkamiss ko sayo, tulad ngayon. pero ikaw lang ang nagbigay sakin ng mas magandang reason para umiyak, umiiyak ako di dahil sa negative feelings, kundi dahil sa sobrang pagmamahal. Katulad ngayon, nararamdaman ko na naman ang luha sa gilid ng mag mata ko, na pinipigil ko lang pumatak, kasi baka may makakita, sabihin nagiging emo na naman ako.
Paano pa ako aalis nyan? Di na kita kayang iwan? Hays, miss ko na ang asawa ko.
sometimes, i just wanna go.. deep.
beneath the deep blue sea, touching every breath.....all a slight off hand, for everything you left...
... so this is what you mean,
and this is how you feel ...
... so this is how you see,
and this is how you breathe ...
... sometimes, i know...
... sometimes, i go down deep...
... oohh ohh...
Two hours and forty five minutes more and its my duty again.
I'll be expecting another 8+ hours of shittingly slaving it away on that darn Big 'ol Medical Center.
It feels like asking myself for the uumpteenth time if I really want to do this sort of crap.** if you gotta eat, you gotta work, no excuses, SHIT.**
Just one wish: Please don't give me a another CODE tonight.
Please, give me a dose of serenity, just for this whole night.
Like I really have to ask!;p
whoa..
it feels like I wanna go and plunge deep tonight.
hohum..
Feeling so blah today.
Devoid of all emotions, not depressed or anything, just kindda blah.
Got a hard time sleeping last night, and an even harder time to fall asleep again after being woken up at 2:00am.
There are some things that I've been thinking lately;
conflicting emotions,
indecision,
confusion,
giving me indigestion,
some thoughts that cannot easily go away,
as I'm longing for a little peace of mind to stay.
Exactly the same feeling of hanging on a thin thread,
like feeling a knot in the stomach,
the fooly of it all makes me scratch my head.
This must be the feeling when being punk'd.
The same as when being trapped,
liked being ripped,
or being dropped,
or dumped.
Perhaps this feeling was due to my own neglect,
from refusing and procastinating to do all the important things that are ought to be done.
Perhaps this is the feeling that precedes a big event, or a big surprise.
Or perhaps this is the feeling that was meant to remind me
that I'm straying from my chosen path,
that I'm loosening my grip of those things that are meant to be held.
I don't know.
I just don't know.
Am I expecting too much, and not doing enough?
Yeah. Perhaps.
**********>>>>>......... so..
**I think I'm finally in the mood for some serious tasks tonight.
Yeah, laziness leads to apathy.**
Lights, camera, ____!
++
Always, do what you can.
Because once you at least do what you can, no matter how seemingly insignificant,everything changes.
++
Senti na to!
Nakaupo tayo kanina sa harap ng jeep. Bigla kang nagbilang habang tayo ay magkahawak kamay. Feb, March, April, May, June, July. "July na nga pala. magsisix months na tau". "Oo nga hon, nagbibilang din ako kahapon, naisip ko din yan", ang sabi ko. Sabay sandaling tahimik. Naiisip mo din siguro ang naiisip ko. Pareho naman kc tayo sa maraming bagay. Baka nga naiisip mo rin ang naiisip ko.
"Antagal na pala."
"Ambilis nga hon." , sabi ko.
"Hindi, antagal na."
"Ambilis nga hon, parang kelan lang.", ang kulit ko talaga.
"Dun napapatunayan ang love", bigla mong sabi. *ouch* *tagos* *nanahimik muna ko*
Parang kelan lang yun, magkakalahating taon na pala.
Nakatitig tayo sa salamin, pinapanood ang lumalakas na ulan na dinadala ng hangin.
"Hon, nababasa ka na.", ang sabi ko, habang hinahawakan ang basang manggas ng tshirt mo.
"Anlakas ng ulan hon." "Oo nga anlakas na ng ulan hon." Sabay kinuha ko pa ang isa mong kamay.
"Nahihilo ako hon." Nakakatuwa naman ang asawa ko, ang laki laking tao, astig, pero parang bata, nahihilo sa jeep! Sabay pikit ng mata mo. Sige pumikit ka muna, habang hawak ko ang mga kamay mo. Napapaisip tuloy ako, habang parang gustong sumabay ng luha ko sa ulan. Ganito pala ang pakiramdam pag katabi mo ang taong mahal mo, magaan, sobrang sayang nakakaiyak na. Parang ayokong matapos ang oras. Tumigil muna sana sandali ang panahon, habang wala pa ring patid ang pagpatak ng ulan.
Ngayon lang ako nagkaganito, simula ng nakilala kita. Mamaya bababa ka na. Magkakahiwalay tayo sandali, at parang antagal na ulit nun kahit ilang oras o araw lang.
Baka mamaya makalimutan mo na naman ang payong mo. Baka mamaya maligo ka na naman sa ulan. Sisipunin ka na naman. Hindi pa nga natatanggal ang sipon na ibinigay ko sayo nung isang araw. Baka magkasakit ka na nyan. Baka lalo akong mag alala, sa mga oras na di kita nakikita.
Hays, magkakalahating taon na nga tayo. Andaming mga bagay na nagbago sa buhay ko.
Ayan lumalakas pa lalo ang ulan. Bababa na tayo. Bubuksan mo na ang payong.
Napatingin ulit ako sa kamay ko. Ngayon magbibilang na ulit, ilang oras kaya, o ilang araw, bago ko ulit makasama ang mahal ko.
Demented and still waiting!
Here I am on my another grunt post.
> Wondering how many decades do I still have to wait for that damned June 2006 NLE results.
> On a slightly cheery mood for I'll be starting my training at that darn Big "Ol Medical Center this monday.
*ahoo!*
I'm already missing all the mess and the toxic hours, its about time to get back to action. But no more CI's here, student nurse life is over, from now i'll be on my own and as sure as hell employed! Its kindda scary, and yeah, EXCITING! hAhah! I cannot wait to wear that all white uniform minus the old BIG school logo. Naks!
*aarrgghh!!*
It frustrates me to think that my plans greatly depend on my passing that doomed local board. And I'm still right here, waiting, and can't do anything about it.
*what had I done during all those four years??*
What's more, I think my four years in the Nursing school had greatly dulled my grammar skills, my vocabulary and had almost extinguished that creative spark. Call it a writer's block, but my talent was freezed by ceaseless hours of monotonous reading of those boring textbooks, add to that the lifeless lectures of my classroom instructors that will surely lull every other nursing student to sleep>> for which I had been notorious, drooling and all! lol
*now what??*
Here I am, feeling apathetic, and aching to start that job to find a scape on my hundrum sleep-eat-sleep-lurk-at-home cycle.
Nababato na ko.
Batong bato na.
Hindi na mapalagay.
Natatanga na sa mga bagay-bagay.
Tangna.
Kelangan ko na talaga.
Na ayusin na.
At bahala na.
I'll be needing a giant leap of faith, and today, its about time to jump.
... adios to the old way of life.
What can we gain by sailing to the moon if we are not able to cross the abyss that separates us from ourselves?
-Thomas Merton
Ironic
Ironic.
-Why is it that when you had carefully laid out your life, in such a way as to please all those damn fucking people that are "meant" to be pleased, you end up feeling sucked out?
+ Why is it that you felt most alive when you refused to do what is expected?
"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.."
- Bill Cosby
Ironic.
- Why is it that I feel astray under the roofs of what i call my "home"?
+ Why is it that i felt most at home when I am away?
A ship is safe in harbor-- but that's not what ships are for.
-John A. Shedd
until you came along..
... you came along, and suddenly i'm puzzled. Puzzled because the universe seems to be playing with our fates, too much to be called a coincidence, for we have so much in common.
... you came along and suddenly i'm happy. laughing at myself because i'm becoming too mushy, mushy because of you. Suddenly i'm happy for no particular reason, just plainly and clearly happy.
... suddenly I had forgotten all of my old questions, I had forgotten that I'm looking for answers.. I'm too busy about you.
... life can be so strange, you said you are a "stranger", but I had never felt so connected, you are so familiar.
... you brought me to places that i had never known to have existed before. I had not even hesitated to walk with you in the dark, the first time that we met. It was an instinctive feeling of safety, like i can entrust my life to you that very first hours.
... surely, i can easily get attracted to each and every person, but with you and only in you, had i seen my own reflection..
... you are the only person that made me experience the different spectrums of emotion. You made me moan in pleasure, cry in disgust. You are the only person that i had consented to peel everything that hides my true being, as you tear everything, you are making me whole inch by inch..
... now as i come to think of it, i'm already done with looking for the answers to my questions,
i don't need any reason, and all is too clear for any explanation.
... i had already loosen my baggage, indulged in my hesitation, renunciated my reluctance..
And all that i'll ever need is you.
inside the deepest recesses..
what you see are nothing but a pile of dead skin,
you think you saw,
but you'll never know;
what is beneath my being,
what is inside my within..
sometimes it is safest to look indifferent,
to act as if you don't care,
wouldn't give a damn;
could'nt feel a shit..
acting as if everything is okay,
you're not lost,
every minute, everyday..
but deep inside you're wandering, bleeding;
finding the way out of the rut..
too helpless, you're crying..
(I'm such a cry baby hahah!)
